What Really Might Have Gone Down Between Jimmy and Chrissie 40 Years Ago

Some months back, my crack team of investigative journalists caught wind that Jimmy Connors had written an autobiography and was pushing it on the agents at harper/Collins. Armed with a secret camera and microphone, my people descended upon their corporate offices yet were not able to see or hear shit, but we did see Mr Connors walk in to the office of his agent and we surmised the conversation went a little something like this.

Jimmy baby!!! I heard you wrote a book and you want us to promote it for you. You realize you're an incredibly uninteresting human being,right? All you tennis fucks are. There just can't be a less interesting group of professional athletes out there. Tell me what makes you interesting JC? Tell me about you and your book and why we here at Harper/Collins should promote your book.

Well, I grew up in the Midwest and used to go to the park a lot with my mom and hit on the wall and...

Are you fucking kidding me??!! This is what you're starting off with? I would pay good money to not have to read this book

"Hold on, hold on, it gets better...I went on to win all these tourneys with my T-2000 and...

"Wake me the fuck up when your done, would you? Are we trying to put Ambien out of business here?

I don't know what you want!

Tell me something I don't know baby. You've been  center stage for 40 years...We know everything about you. What do I not know about you that you can put in this book and make me want to buy it?

Jesus...I married a playmate and had this affair that almost ruined my...

You're the man buddy. That is so incredibly not interesting. I don't even know where to start. We know all this Jimmy!! You dog. We would all love to know a lot more about that part of your life with the playmate but she's your wife. tell me something risque, salacious, downright wrong even, a felony even, just make sure the statutes are up ok?

Well, I did knock up little Chrissie Evert way back in the day when we were an item

You did what??!!  Really??? Awesome......where's the tape...do you have the tape?

"The tape?

" The sex tape jimmy. Its 2013 baby, get with it, would you?..Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Tommy and Pamela lee.., its how you get attention when you have no talent  kid. You have to have a sex tape, some grainy bad 70s home movie with sick mounds of 70s pubic hair..don't sweat that stuff Jimmy, we can photoshop that stuff out, maybe give Chrissie a landing strip.."

Shit, I don't even know if they  had video cameras back then...either way it would have been a pretty short movie

Don't go there buddy..Seriously, I was just fantasy building and it was getting pretty good. You and the ice maiden. You guys out on the court hitting hours of soul crushing cross courts and you guys give each other that look like "hey, let's go crush something else" and it's linesman ready, players ready, PLAY!!!

"Seriously, the whole thing was a mess and she won't let it go"

Ok,you're 60 years old, its 40 years later and you're telling me about it and SHE won't let it go. Gotcha.

Seriously, she won't.  we were young and inexperienced and my mom just hated her for seducing and luring me from her...You should have heard their fights.

You're not really going there, are you. I mean, this is starting to sound like Jerry Springer shit. Ok, I'm taking the bait Jimmy...What would they fight about?

Well, me of course..I don't know. My mom would walk by Chris lying out at the pool with me and say stuff like "Lying on your back again Chrissie? You seem to do your best work from there"

"So your Mom was basically calling Chrissie a whore. Ok, that's kind of interesting. How did she get pregnant though?

"My Mom was always around so we always had to hurry and stuff, anyway, so Chrissie is worrying about getting prego and everything. I didn't really care though. I was at the top of my game back then. Number one in the world, women throwing themselves at me. I figured the more I spread my seed and the more offspring I cold create, the better place the world would be, right?

"Jesus"

"So Chris and I are having to sneak around Mom all the time and we start taking some chances so she wants me to start wearing a sock and stuff but it was really hard for me to keep my stick juiced with one on and she would just go all Sahara desert on me watching my spirit sag"

"Have you been reading Penthouse Forum again?"

"Well, yeah, of course. Patty has a life time subscription from doing her spreads for them, some quality writing in there, don't ya think?"

Wow..Never mind. Keep going. I can't believe you're telling me all this.


Well I'm pissed, check this shit out...so I say Chrssie, let me slip it in without a sock and get the show going and then put a sock on it and finish the job that way...she says Ok...so I'm working her, and me, and her, and me, and I finally get it all in there, and I ain't no 4 and a half light here for the record

"Super Jimmy...This is so TMI Hall of fame shit"

So with all the working it and working her, I was getting a little too fired up and once I got in, it was like a couple little pump and thrusts and Boom! I pumped her  full of JIMBO!!!!  And that was it.

His agent put his head down in his hands, shaking it to and fro. "No, No, That's not how it went...That's not the story Jimmy"

"Yeah it is. That's what happened"

"No...it's not. Jesus, you tennis fucks are so unlikeable when people get to know you"

"What do you mean?"

"If I have to explain it to you, it's too late. Let's just say they love you just the way you aren't"

"Yeah, whatever. Joel Drucker loves me and tells everybody I'm the man"

"What the fuck is his story?"

"He creeps me out. One day he thinks I'm saving his life, now he's been trying to write my biography for 30 years now"

"How did you get rid of him?"

"Restraining Order. And my lawyers had a chat with him too"

Good. Ok, Listen, I like the knocking Chrissie up thing, but can we make it more of a heroic story?"

"Heroic?"

"Yeah, I mean erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation is great for Viagra commercials. We have to style out this story a bit, your version ain't gonna cut it. How about something like this. Mid 1970s, Virginia Slims at Madison Square Garden, the whole women's lib ERA thing is cranking full throttle, Chrissie wins the event, there is this smoking after tourney party that spills over to Studio 54 and everyone is just getting their party on and you all end up in one of those back murky rooms, you, Jagger, movie stars, Chrissie, the starting front row of the New York Knicks, and before you know it, everyone is naked and having their equal rights with everybody and it's a night to remember, except nobody can remember shit the next day, and a couple weeks pass and Chrissie is not feeling the best and she goes to the doctor and gets the news yet their is some confusion about who's child it may be, so you go down and take the paternity test and lets just say you're in some serious sperm competition here with rock stars and movie stars and other thoroughbred professional athletes there that night at the Studio 54, but you being the champion you are, it was YOUR power-seed that broke out of the pack and reached pay dirt, further immortalizing your heroic...

"What the fuck is wrong with you??!!"

"I'm trying to help you, you asshole!!! This story will sell books but it makes you come across like the biggest prick ever!"

Me??!! Me??!! what about her? She dumped me because of this event"

'Because you got her pregnant???"

No, that's not why. It's because I had no load control. My mom was always around and it was always awkward, always rushing and stressing about her walking in. I started having performance anxiety after this, and Chris did not put up with that kind of stuff, even back then, so she dumped me and never let me forget how bad I was"

"What do you mean never let you forget?"

Every time I see her last 40 years, she's always making a comment. Mid career her favorite line was  the only place you can outlast another man was in a baseline rally. Shit like that. The Greg Norman thing put me over the edge"

"Greg Norman thing???"

"Yeah, texting me at all hours telling me about how strong his long iron play was... and how in all there activity he has never needed a mulligan... like me. The Greg Norman stuff was the last straw for me, all I want to do is get the bitch back"

Wow. So you figure telling everyone she had an abortion 40 years might even the score a bit?

"And sell some books. I can't believe she didn't even ask me if it was Ok. The week she told me about it I was so upset I lost one of my two matches that year. can you believe she would tell me right in the middle of hard court season?"

"I assume you put that in there too???"

"Hell yes I did"

"Do you think you should talk to her first before putting this in writing forever in your book?"

"Did she ask me if it was Ok to get rid of little Jimbo to be back then? Did she??? No she didn't!!! So why should I ask her if it's ok now???"

"Wow. Ok, I hate you. I hate my life. But we'll go with the abortion story and see how it goes ok?"

"I'm glad you agree she had this coming to her. Thanks bud. I can't wait to go out on the talk shows and tell everyone about it"

"Wow"