WHY NOW

"The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river."... Ross Perot

So why now I was asked ? I would love to be able to say much thought  went in to the cost/benefit analysis in my decision to come out here, but such calculations are near impossible to quantify. What I do know is historically, Civil rights causes, including gay rights, don’t advance without personal sacrifices on the part of their pioneers. The two most famous gay athletes to ever come out, Billie Jean King and Martina Navratilova, both from my sport of tennis, exposed themselves to great career risks by coming out like they did back in 1981. But they also would have been exposing themselves to great personal struggles if they had chose to keep their orientation private.

Thirty years ago the climate around coming out was not a safe one. I feel conditions are different now, better now, safer now. We have a gay friendly President, the military has revoked DADT, two major gay marriage suits are working their ways through the Supreme Court as I write these words. Public opinion polls show a resounding favorable shift in attitudes around gay issues amongst this younger generation and hardly a week can go by without another state or foreign country providing Gay people with the same federal marriage rights and benefits that straight people have always enjoyed. So the times seem ripe for progress

I was also asked to whom I write; who am I trying to reach, who is my target audience in writing this book? I believe strongly that my story must be as inclusive as possible, that my target audience must be everyone.  Each faction of my audience I will attempt to speak to as directly as I can. but hopefully in a manner that keeps all factions engaged. More than anything, I would love for my book to be the catalyst for my various audiences to begin speaking to each other, to be able to break through the walls of silence and misunderstandings that exist between our two worlds.

I was up late the other night contemplating where all this might go when a vision came to me. I had an empty hall that I could invite whomever I wanted to my book launch party. It was a big room, plenty of space to include all the different facets of my life; family, friends, real estate and media colleagues, tennis peers, tennis bureaucrats, future young tennis professionals, gay and straight. I envisioned  a seating chart, where I could strategically place the interested parties anywhere I so chose, in the hopes that the parties whom I felt needed to speak to each other the most would be seated side by side. Then I saw the room filling larger and larger, soon to exceed capacity.  It would prove near impossible for me to arrange a seating chart for the people in attendance where all were granted equal placements of importance.  If it were up to me, every seat would be deemed front row center if I could.. Invariably I would allow you all to seat yourselves depending upon who wanted or needed to hear what was being spoken about the most.

So why now you ask? Because it's just time. Society is beginning to speak openly and candidly about important issues regarding the civil rights of gay people. Male sports culture is just beginning to open up and discuss it's views about tolerance for open Gays in the locker room. I feel it's imperative that this conversation continue and expand to all parties involved in Sports culture, from administrators to coaches to competitors to sponsors to former stars and future stars in the hopes we get everyone on the record with their views. Now that institutionalized discrimination is being eradicated  from  the wedding chapel in your neighborhood to embedded military bunkers half a world a way to the local boy scout groups our nation wide, it's crucial to keep this momentum going; to keep people talking about these issues that continue to adversely affect my gay brothers in locker rooms everywhere.

So not only do we need to keep talking about these issues, we need to change the way we talk about these issues. If I what I am doing here, by coming out publicly,  is deemed courageous, does that mean  those who choose to keep their orientation private are not courageous? Does that make them cowards? Absolutely not. By keeping my orientation private was I really keeping a secret? Was I really living a lie? Such punishing terminology. So many things need to change about how we discuss one's naturally given sexual orientation, not the least being the language we apply. Immoral, unnatural, deviant??!! These words seep in to the consciences of a public that passively absorbs information about issues not directly related to them, and then when called upon to opine on such matters, they sheepishly repeat the little information they have, doing more harm than good. Words have meanings and we in the LGBT community have bought in the punishing second class offender language slapped upon us by  mainstream straight culture. That must change too.

I maintained the privacy of my sexual orientation for completely rational and self interested motives. I grew up in a male tennis world with a grand total of ZERO role models to structure my life after. Repeat Zero. I would later encounter in my tennis professional life the two most influential gay athletes in all of Sports history, Billie Jean King and Martina Navratilova. At first, I thought the tennis world operated by a reverse double standard in how it treated gay and lesbian players, but in reality, it was just one standard for women with no opposing male standard to compare it too. Many of the women were out in the open about their orientation, and those that may not have been out in the open in regards to the media, made no attempts to hide which gender floated their boats.

As for my beloved men's tennis? Nothing. No former players, no current players, no coaches, no administrators. Nada. So to even try to convey that their was internal discord going on within me as to whether to be upfront with my peers about my sexuality during my playing time would be very dishonest. Trust me, there was all kinds of discord going on, but all of it was centered around what to say to whom to keep them off my track, where to go to have fun to make sure nobody saw me. As I began writing my book and going over all the events and occurrences of my years playing competitively, I stopped cold and literally laughed out loud at the amount of time and energy I spent trying to keep you from figuring me out, and athlete or not, that's just no way for any young man to ever have to live

I'm talking multiple incidents, every single day of my life, for many many years, from the time I was even aware of my sexuality as a teenager to when I walked away from the tennis word at the age of 33, and it hardly ended there.  It's staggering how much mental and emotional capital was spent trying to just keep my orientation a secret. For many years I would chastise my inability to be honest about who I was with you as a detriment to my success as a tennis player, but now that I'm done being an asshole to myself and punishing myself  for just trying to survive in what I deemed a hostile world, you know what? When I look back on it all from a more loving and compassionate place, thinking about the weight and the toll of trying to keep you away from me, I'm absolutely amazed I did as well as I did.

And do well I did. I want to share with you all what it was like for me as I rose the ranks of the tennis food chain in my younger formative years, and with that, what better place to start than in my early childhood and with the first ever balls I hit.

DEAR ME

 

Was on the ESPN website the other night and saw this new section of essays Titled 'Dear Me', where top stars write letters of advice to themselves as young athletes. Tennis player Andy Murray was featured as well as out of the closet MLS soccer player Robbie Rodgers. The few I read were quite unremarkable, obviously written by the athletes themselves. Wouldn't have been the worst time to put their publicists to work and pen some poignant and inspiring words. Either way, I love the concept and I hope they keep it alive. Then I got to thinking. What if I could write a letter today to myself as a coming of age athlete, what advice would I give a young me?

Dear 15 year old Bobby Blair....

How ya feeling there big guy? Little confused?  Little scared? Little concerned about feeling so different? Yeah. I wish I could tell you some 30 years later conditions were different for up and coming athletes like yourself.  I mean, conditions are a little better in the sports world.  We're actually on quite a roll these days in society, rolling back a whole bunch of backwardness by the day.  But as for what advice I would have for you?

You know how you don't quite feel all the feelings all the guys keep talking about regarding the girls? Yeah, you're gonna wanna start getting used to that because that ain't changing anytime soon. And you know how you like to hang out with your guy friends when they're carrying on about the girls, not because you want to learn what they are sharing, but because you just feel this different kind of connection to them than the girls? Yeah, you're going to want to start getting used to those feelings too, cause that's the way it's going to stay buddy. The Good Lord didn't do you any favors orienting you so, but let me be perfectly clear. You are not a victim and if you refuse to give up on yourself,  you can live a life of courage and dignity like few others, but I'm not going to sugarcoat this to you. You could have been dealt an easier hand.

As for your tennis, first thing I would say is don't quit Little League, this tennis shit is really tough. Re your tennis career, I suggest losing the playing super consistent, never miss a ball thing. Not taking risks, playing it safe, playing not to lose, will only take you so far. And by the time you realize the limitations of that style, it will be too late to do anything about it. You will have spent countless hours on the court in that particular mindset that even if you developed the skill set to play a high risk high reward game, I'm not sure you'll have the time to develop the trust in it to implement it. So playing it safe for fear of losing will eventually catch up to you on the tennis court.

As well as off the tennis court. If I could tell you that you will lose everything in tennis and business, not from being found out, but from your own fear of being found out, would that matter to you? And that all the things you thought you had acquired and achieved as a young man were merely an illusion. The closeness of the friendships, how close could they ever really be hiding your true self so? Your going to need to take some risks with your off court life, and I think you know where I am going with this.

WC Fields once said he would never be a part of a club that would have him as a member. Well I would never want you to call yourself a member of a profession that would refuse to embrace you as you truly are. Whatever gains you think you are protecting by keeping your orientation in the closet can not compare to the freedom and dignity you will feel in living an honest and authentic existence. I know, I know. you think I'm fucking crazy for suggesting you come out about your sexuality, but you're going to do it eventually and there never is a right time and to every gay man I have spoken to and met in my life, they all wish  they would have come out earlier and that there were more mentors out in society that they could look to for guidance and support. And if some reject you and your coming out for all the wrong reasons out of their  fearing you, that's infinitely better than you rejecting you and remaining hidden in the closet for the opposing but equally wrong reasons of you fearing them

For when times seem toughest,  you will just have to trust in God's love and the goodness in your fellow man, for we are truly all from the same stock and they are composed of the same loving and compassionate heart you are and that they will understand why you hid your true self so and that there will never be a good time to come out and there will always be a great deal of fear around the decision and that you don't need to cry yourself to sleep all those years rehearsing what you would say to all the loved ones in your life if you could just muster the courage to do so and that the shortest distance between two points is often unbearable and that I know all this but you must trust in the goodness of our fellow man and that he will love you unconditionally just as you do he and God do you.

Because being Gay is just a small part of who you are, and it doesn't make you different from straight people, it makes you different like straight people. And try not my young friend to fall in to the trap of the its Us against Them mentality, for not all of Them are against you, and yet not all of Us are for you, and many will not have your best interests in mind either and that just because you share a sexual orientation with someone does not mean you share the same values with that person and that an asshole is an asshole no matter which way they swing and to remain wary at all times.

And  people will want to define you and label you, and that shit is real my friend, and try as you might, you will smell the fear and hear the smears and feel the hard cold shoulder of rejection far more than any young person should ever have to. And it won't seem right, and it won't seem fair, but get over it, for there are no sure things in life and life ain't fair for a whole lot of people a lot less fortunate than you and if you want people to respect you, you have to respect yourself first and you're going do things in your young life for all the wrong reasons, just like every straight person you will ever meet, but doing those bad things does not make you a bad person any more than it does anybody else, for we are all perfectly flawed in our condition human.

Finally, start preparing for life after you've hit your last competitive ball,  for there will still be quite the haul to go, and start looking around early and often for ways you can make a difference, for winning fame and fortune on the tennis court is great and all, but nothing compares to improving the quality of another persons life, day after day after day. And there will be those who confront you and oppose you no matter what you do, and how sadly steeped in ignorance they are. And you'll have infinite choices to apply your  finite energy reserves. Whilst thou employ your best self? I say follow your heart my young friend, oppose hate with love and pray instead of  retaliate. Focus on opening hearts instead of minds, for that's where the love's at.  And try to make a difference as you grow up in to the person you will yearn to have in your soon to be tumultuous youth and become that loving mentor guide to the next generation of young Bobby Blairs who will need  role models to look to hopefully just like you.

Bobby Blair

A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE INTRODUCTION

“People fail to get along because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don't know each other; they don't know each other because they have not communicated with each other.” Martin Luther King Jr.

INTRODUCTION

April 29th, 2013. Sports Illustrated breaks the big scoop. The first male athlete in a major American team sport is to announce he is gay. Rumors of such an announcement were swirling for a few weeks now in the sports world. Who would it be? Which sport would it be? Would it be well received? Would this be the beginning of more and more gay males across the entire athletic spectrum to come out?

The story breaks. It's professional basketball player Jason Collins. Never heard of the guy. Huge let down. I read his "story" in Sports Illustrated, a glorified diary entry with no back and forth. It reads like a drive by. Within 24 hours, the media circus is in full effect. All the usual suspects chime in with their words of support; even the President gets in on the act with a high profile public phone call. Oh the evolution of it all.

Something about the whole event didn't seem right to me. I dug in a little deeper in to who Jason Collins is. 34, career lows in statistics on one of the worst teams in the NBA, and a free agent to be on July 1st, 2013. He came out after his season was over, he does not have a contract for next season, meaning he really is not the first active athlete to come out in one of America's four major team sports.  All the talk of this being some kind of game changing moment just didn't seem justified to me and now I was starting to see why.

It didn't take long before some high profile public figure failed his tolerance test. Chris Broussard, some two bit, back bench, anchor at ESPN pretty much declared that Collins was going straight to hell according to Broussard's Christian orthodox views. Super. Now this was the story less than 48 hours after Collins declaration. I sensed the gravity and game changing moment slipping away as all the attention shifted to Broussard's backward ass views. Thousands of young gay male athletes hide in plain sight daily from the intolerance and homophobic cultures that are male team sports. How was this ever going to change when the media can't stay with the true story for more than a news cycle? I put my head down that night encouraged by Collins' courageous act but disappointed at what I sensed again was going to be little more than just another in a long list of individual acts.

I've followed the process of male athletes coming out for some time now. Every act of coming out is equally powerful to myself, showing great courage by the individual, but in so many ways, it is always the righting of a profound wrong, addition by subtraction, the truth emerging by the cessation of the big lie. But these acts of individual courage are sporadic, random, with no cohesive plan of action associated with them to make the environment that is professional sports a safe and inclusive environment for young gay male athletes. Why could the LGBT community not get organized behind these scattered acts and employ a program to aid and support all the closeted gay athletes suffering in silence in high school and college team sports the nation round?

We keep waiting for that marquee name to come out at the pinnacle of his sporting career. But what if he doesn't appear? What if he doesn't exist? Society just runs the numbers and assumes statistically he is there. Matter of fact, they're damn near certain about it. But I know a few things about trying to become an elite athlete. I played some serious tennis back in my day; was one of the top American junior tennis players of my era, have a marquee victory over a grand slam champion at a former Grand Slam venue.

 But I  also know intimately the complexities of trying to build a strong and unflappable sense of self while living a lie. And I am absolutely certain my growth and development as a young professional athlete was hampered by my not feeling safe to be my true self in my sport's culture. And I'm also absolutely certain that if the Jason Collins of my era came out as this one did, that would have felt so awesome to know I was not alone in loving who and how I loved but also know his coming out  would have been grossly inadequate as a source of strength and motivation for my coming out myself

Because tolerance is not a concept that gets paid lip service in the abstract by wildly successful professional athletes when the cameras are rolling. Tolerance is a mindset that gets challenged in every encounter, every conversation, every handshake, every look and glance far away from the tape recorders and bright lights of our mass media, day after day, week after week, year after year. And most in our day and age are increasingly hip and with it that gay people are no different than anyone, it's the fear of the repercussions from those who are not ok with the fact that we are exactly like you in every way except in the one detail...that being who we were born to love. Its those repercussions; the smears, the devaluing, the ostracizing, the hate, or even worse, that we fear in coming out. It can be such a lonely place, all those years knowing that if I can never get over my fears, how can I ever expect them to.

I knew the community needed to do more, and then I realized I am my community and that I needed to do more. I've been out to my family, friends, and in my professional life, but not in the tennis community that I spent so many productive years chasing excellence at the highest levels of our sport. I needed to tell my story to the tennis community, but not as some isolated act of coming out courage, but as the first important act in a program of concerted action to help make professional sports, and in particular my sport of tennis, a safe, inclusive and tolerant environment for the next generation of young up and coming gay athletes.

For the numbers are staggering. Thousands on top of thousands of young players at the junior, college and professional ranks, and not a single gay male tennis player out in the open about his sexuality. Tennis culture can say whatever it wants about being tolerant of those with different sexual orientations, but the gaping disparity between the openness of women associated with our sport as compared to men over the same time span speaks loudly that all is not right for young gay males trying to live lives of dignified authenticity in and around the sport of tennis. A lot needs to change and I have set my near future sights on being an integral part of that change by firstly telling my story and secondly being part of future courses of action to change tennis culture so young players no long have to live in shame and fear while pursuing their athletic dreams.

Coming out is not about  you getting to know everything about my private life. It's about not having to keep private one of the most important aspects of my life. It's about no longer having to hide an essential aspect of who I am while standing in plain view. It's about being able to honestly and with courage being able to tell my story to you here now, about being able to share my experience with you now in the hopes that it helps this next generation of aspiring gay athletes, it's about being able to declare with pride and confidence that my name is Bobby Blair, a former a professional tennis player, and a gay male.

And this is my story...