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What really might have happened between Sloane, Serena, and The Twitter...
In a stunning change of stance, Sloane Stephens has within 48 hours resumed being besties with Serena Williams. What could possibly have facilitated this sudden reversal?
Well,
we sent out our crack team of investigative journalists to the offices
of Lagardere Unlimited, Ms. Stephens management company to see what we
could unearth. Using a bug and hidden camera, we weren't able to record
shit, but this is what we heard going down, kinda, so work with us
"Sloane baby!!! Come in, have a seat, we need to talk"
"Ok. What do you want to talk about?"
"Well, I understand you put out one of those twitters the other day about Serena, is that true?"
"Yeah, a tweet you mean?"
"Ok. What do you want to talk about?"
"Well, I understand you put out one of those twitters the other day about Serena, is that true?"
"Yeah, a tweet you mean?"
"Yeah, whatever. What did you say again about her?"
"I called her a phony bitch pretty much"
"Hmmm...and why did you do this?"
"Because she's being a snatch to me and I'm sick of the phony bitch"
"Ok. Listen Sloane, we all know Serena can be something of a snatch some times, but nobody else needs to know that, ya hear me?"
"No!! I'm sick of everyone thinking she's some kind of mentor to me when its so totally not that way. I want everyone to know what she's all about and what I think of her and how I feel about the way she's treating me so I tweeted about it. What's wrong with that?"
Long sigh..."Girl girl girl...slow it down...how long you been with the corporation now?"
"Corporation??!! I'm on the Women's pro tennis tour!!!"
"Well, yeah, you kinda are, but not really. You work for me sweetheart All those contracts you have with all those companies. We got you those. So you work for me. I remember now, you've been with me a couple years now, right?"
"Yeah, why does that matter?"
"Well, it matters cause it takes a long time to create an image for you so that people forget who you really are. You see Sloane, we don't want people knowing what are your politics, your religion, what you're doing, who you're doing, which team it is you're doing, none of that stuff. We don't want people thinking about you and wondering what you think or what you feel or what your opinion about this person or that person is. Our job here is to get you to a place where when people look at you they feel absolutely nothing about you so there entire focus will be on all the shit you're promoting so we can all make Mo Money!!! See, when they're thinking about whether you and Serena are getting along or not, they're not thinking about what you are wearing or what racket you are using, and when that happens we don't make Mo Money!!! My job is to get you to a place that when people see you they get transfixed on everything you are using and they turn in to zombies, marching in step down to Dick's Sporting Goods chanting give me all the Head Prestiges you have in stock, the exact one that Sloane Stephens uses. We want people so entranced by you their car does a knightrider thing every time they drive by a product you promote and they just have to pull over and get some Under Armour clothes and they must be able to pay with their American Express, you get it?"
"That's a little weird but I kinda get it. Are you saying when I sign with you I lose my freedom of speech?"
"Of course not baby. Of course you have your freedom of speech as long as you stick to the script"
"The script???"
"Yeah, the script. That we are all happy and healthy professional athletes that are so grateful for all we've been given and we love tennis and puppies and rainbows and our hearts skip a beat when we see a young kid playing tennis and we can't snap out our camera quick enough to have our picture taken with every kid we see and that we all just get along so really well and tennis is just one big red carpet event and we just love what we do and everyone involved, got it?"
"Remember Venus when she came on the scene. All beads and bravado with just a little ghetto in there. The only thing she was going to be able to sell with that schtick was her ass and a twenty rock. Now look at her. You see her do an interview lately? It's a work of managerial art. They have completely recreated her to the point her polarizing old self doesn't exist anymore. Dial tones are more exciting than her. She speaks and says the exact same nothing every time. It's genius. Just pull her string, she says the same answers to any question you ask, she has it down to the exact number of words and seconds...Shoot, I get emotional thinking how perfect a job they have done getting rid of her real self. Nobody has even the first whiff of an opinion about her on anything, so they just march on out in lockstep and buy whatever shit she is selling and we all make Mo Money!!! That's where we need you to get to Sloane and this twittering thing you keep doing about what you're thinking and how you're feeling, it has to stop. It's distracting from what we want people to do when they see you which is buy more shit and make us Mo Money!!!
"What do you want me to do? I can't take my tweet back. It's like permanent and stuff."
"We know. We want you to put out another tweet that you and Serena are all good and you have nothing but respect for her and that she truly is the greatest of all time and that you have each others backs. We've already spoken to her people and she will do the same and we've arranged the photo opp for you two in Madrid so you two can play it all up. My secretary is on the twitter site now and you will do this when you walk out of here"
"Seriously??!! You want me to lie???"
"Sloane, It's only a lie if somebody gets hurt. Your statement the other day is hurting my business. You see kid, it's not important that anyone like you in this business. What's important is that nobody dislikes you, and what you did the other day made the Serena lovers dislike you and poured fuel on the fire of the Serena haters and that's not good for business. All that drama and emotion results in nothing getting purchased. You have to stay on the path girl. This is no time to create controversy or assert your independence. We have a very loyal tennis following, we are not trying to grow the sport really. Too risky. So we can't be pissing off our base, you understand? We have a big investment in you and are working really hard to create a new you that will sell stuff the rest of your adult life even after you're done with tennis. Don't screw all that up by going rogue on that twitterverse place ok? See my secretary on the way out and clean this up, and win a few matches would ya? You have a couple contracts wrapping up this year, I would like to be able to negotiate from a place of strength for us. Ok, be well Sloane Stephens
Barry Buss is the author of "First In A Field Of Two" A Junior Tennis memoir with the foreword by Dr. Allen Fox, available at Amazon.com
,
"I called her a phony bitch pretty much"
"Hmmm...and why did you do this?"
"Because she's being a snatch to me and I'm sick of the phony bitch"
"Ok. Listen Sloane, we all know Serena can be something of a snatch some times, but nobody else needs to know that, ya hear me?"
"No!! I'm sick of everyone thinking she's some kind of mentor to me when its so totally not that way. I want everyone to know what she's all about and what I think of her and how I feel about the way she's treating me so I tweeted about it. What's wrong with that?"
Long sigh..."Girl girl girl...slow it down...how long you been with the corporation now?"
"Corporation??!! I'm on the Women's pro tennis tour!!!"
"Well, yeah, you kinda are, but not really. You work for me sweetheart All those contracts you have with all those companies. We got you those. So you work for me. I remember now, you've been with me a couple years now, right?"
"Yeah, why does that matter?"
"Well, it matters cause it takes a long time to create an image for you so that people forget who you really are. You see Sloane, we don't want people knowing what are your politics, your religion, what you're doing, who you're doing, which team it is you're doing, none of that stuff. We don't want people thinking about you and wondering what you think or what you feel or what your opinion about this person or that person is. Our job here is to get you to a place where when people look at you they feel absolutely nothing about you so there entire focus will be on all the shit you're promoting so we can all make Mo Money!!! See, when they're thinking about whether you and Serena are getting along or not, they're not thinking about what you are wearing or what racket you are using, and when that happens we don't make Mo Money!!! My job is to get you to a place that when people see you they get transfixed on everything you are using and they turn in to zombies, marching in step down to Dick's Sporting Goods chanting give me all the Head Prestiges you have in stock, the exact one that Sloane Stephens uses. We want people so entranced by you their car does a knightrider thing every time they drive by a product you promote and they just have to pull over and get some Under Armour clothes and they must be able to pay with their American Express, you get it?"
"That's a little weird but I kinda get it. Are you saying when I sign with you I lose my freedom of speech?"
"Of course not baby. Of course you have your freedom of speech as long as you stick to the script"
"The script???"
"Yeah, the script. That we are all happy and healthy professional athletes that are so grateful for all we've been given and we love tennis and puppies and rainbows and our hearts skip a beat when we see a young kid playing tennis and we can't snap out our camera quick enough to have our picture taken with every kid we see and that we all just get along so really well and tennis is just one big red carpet event and we just love what we do and everyone involved, got it?"
"Remember Venus when she came on the scene. All beads and bravado with just a little ghetto in there. The only thing she was going to be able to sell with that schtick was her ass and a twenty rock. Now look at her. You see her do an interview lately? It's a work of managerial art. They have completely recreated her to the point her polarizing old self doesn't exist anymore. Dial tones are more exciting than her. She speaks and says the exact same nothing every time. It's genius. Just pull her string, she says the same answers to any question you ask, she has it down to the exact number of words and seconds...Shoot, I get emotional thinking how perfect a job they have done getting rid of her real self. Nobody has even the first whiff of an opinion about her on anything, so they just march on out in lockstep and buy whatever shit she is selling and we all make Mo Money!!! That's where we need you to get to Sloane and this twittering thing you keep doing about what you're thinking and how you're feeling, it has to stop. It's distracting from what we want people to do when they see you which is buy more shit and make us Mo Money!!!
"What do you want me to do? I can't take my tweet back. It's like permanent and stuff."
"We know. We want you to put out another tweet that you and Serena are all good and you have nothing but respect for her and that she truly is the greatest of all time and that you have each others backs. We've already spoken to her people and she will do the same and we've arranged the photo opp for you two in Madrid so you two can play it all up. My secretary is on the twitter site now and you will do this when you walk out of here"
"Seriously??!! You want me to lie???"
"Sloane, It's only a lie if somebody gets hurt. Your statement the other day is hurting my business. You see kid, it's not important that anyone like you in this business. What's important is that nobody dislikes you, and what you did the other day made the Serena lovers dislike you and poured fuel on the fire of the Serena haters and that's not good for business. All that drama and emotion results in nothing getting purchased. You have to stay on the path girl. This is no time to create controversy or assert your independence. We have a very loyal tennis following, we are not trying to grow the sport really. Too risky. So we can't be pissing off our base, you understand? We have a big investment in you and are working really hard to create a new you that will sell stuff the rest of your adult life even after you're done with tennis. Don't screw all that up by going rogue on that twitterverse place ok? See my secretary on the way out and clean this up, and win a few matches would ya? You have a couple contracts wrapping up this year, I would like to be able to negotiate from a place of strength for us. Ok, be well Sloane Stephens
Barry Buss is the author of "First In A Field Of Two" A Junior Tennis memoir with the foreword by Dr. Allen Fox, available at Amazon.com
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