TRES FATIGUE

TRES FATIGUE

Pop Quiz...What is the compelling story line of this year's French Open?  1,2,3, Go!

Yeah, I got nothing for you too. And maybe that right there is the story

Of course, no major torney would be complete without our quarterly discussion about the demise of American tennis and why, with no tournament illustrating this better than the French Open. Which isn't really the most fair barometer  to assess the state of the American game. Our boys don't necessarily grow up playing on the stuff and upon turning professional, don't exactly run off to South America to collectively work on their slide. It would be akin to judging Spanish tennis by their results at Wimbledon and the American hard court circuits. Either way, the big story here week one is that a whole lot of Americans look like they will be  pulling second and third round paychecks this clay court major. Which doesn't exactly thrill me, nor the fact dug out there are an equal number of Americans and Spanish players in the top 127 in the world right now, and if you happen to know who all those players are by name, might I suggest logging off and catch yourself a few rays and a breeze the rest of this day?  If there is another American still standing besides Serena this time next week, that would be a a big story. And any American with the potential to go deep in to the second week of a major would be well on the tennis radar screen by now, yet all indications are those radar screens are sans blips now and likely for the next few years to come..So I'm not holding my breath and I suggest neither should you.

Will there be a no-name to come out of nowhere to make a run? Not a chance in the world. How good one has to be to win just a single 3 out of 5 match on red clay  against a top 30-40 opponent is remarkable. To have to beat a couple more guys in that 1-30 range to just make the quarters or semis is an effort eluding many ten year, consistently top 20 ranked veteran players who we are very familiar with. To imagine a qualifier, wild card or usual first round fodder to have a run like that today in the modern game just ain't gonna happen. Enough has been said and written about the amazing success of the top 4 of this modern generation, but the real roadblocks to the top is the amazing depth and stability of the 5-20 group, for any run at the top of the rankings or deep run in to the late rounds of a major has to go through these guys first before you really get to the big 4. You can check your draw sheets, many a fine tournament run ends early when an upstart comes head to head with these uber-professionals who dot the second tier of men's tennis

The one match we all were hoping for, a repeat of last year's final between the two best players in the world, Nadal and Djokovic, will not happen. If form holds true, they will play in the semis , which was almost a story in that Rolland Garros had the authority to play with the seedings some, but chose the smart path of letting the rankings decide who plays who and when, for to start down that path of draw engineering is one seriously slippery slope you don't want to get on.

Which leads to one of the major stories here at the French that nobody really wants to have to witness, let alone report on; the inevitable demise of Roger Federer. He's getting older, playing less, a little dinged up with an ever fragile back condition, and frankly, he has looked quite bad when his game gets off and completely outclassed by the younger stronger Nadal this season.  Even the most ardent Roger-ettes have to admit that the thought of him facing a firing on all cylinders Nadal or Djokovic in the finals does not evoke thoughts of possible celebration but more thoughts of hoping he doesn't get humiliated in the finals, a definite precursor that the end of his illustrious career may be closer than we ever envisioned.

The Joker going for the career Grand Slam storyline  has lost its appeal seeing how three others have accomplished this elusive career goal in the past four years and life continued on quite normally. Cementing one's legacy is nice and all, but it's the moments that begin the legacy we can all agree are a bit more compelling.

There is always the inherent sex appeal of young beautiful athletes doing their thing. The ladies will never tire of an up close shot of a Rafa bicep, the men still pray for a Kournikova comeback, but will settle for an Ivanovic return to form. But when these tried and true titillations move on, who will be there to take their place, for that horizon seems just as bleak as the next great American one?

And there seems to be a whole bevy of new media being rolled out this Grand Slam fortnight. The Tennis Channel App is the real deal, as well as a slew of new print and online sites dedicated to professional tennis. And it's hard not to recall the investment adage that by the time you see the bandwagon, it's too late, for the very best of times do look to be behind us now.  Like the great Hunter Thompson once said it could very well have been " the kind of peak that never comes again"..for professional tennis was a" very special time and place to be a part of".when even now, less than 5 years out, you can "with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high water mark..that place where the wave finally crested, broke, and rolled back"


And as day 4 concludes, I search the net for content. The best I can find is an Ernests Gulbis interview where he derides the top tennis players for being mortally boring interviews...and that has become the most exciting story of these tired tennis times.

TENNIS' FIELD OF DREAMS...

TENNIS' FIELD OF DREAMS...

It's another rendition of Tennis' Field Of Dreams this fortnight. All our sport's best and brightest stars. So many beautiful and inspiring stories all conjoin together at the same point, like the spokes of a world sized wheel, this week, they all meet  in Paris.

Someone, likely many ones, will have life changing moments this week.. Break out victories or legacy cementing runs. Nonames will become household names come some time next week. It's easy to take for granted just how outstanding that is; to be associated with a profession that affects lives so dramatically each and every week.

 

 

Though one chooses to play the French Open, one does not just sign up for it. One signed on and signed up for the journey a long long time ago, to this different way of life. To be a professional athlete. It was a singular decision followed by a myriad of choices. How to play, how to train, where to train and under who are only a few...One sacrifices a safe normal upbringing for a chance to be great at something; a something that rewards its greatest with unimaginable  fame fortune and riches. To those on the right side of the velvet rope, those names and faces we all know, the choice appears to have been the right one. To all those who's spokes never quite reached places like Paris this week, you would have to ask them for yourself

But it's not only the players we know who are here to make their mark. There's the never ending coaching carousel; Who's methods will reign supreme these weeks? Which country's players will have the deepest runs in Paris? And why? National Training Developmental Centers  are doing battle these weeks; whose system will assert itself as the one to be emulated? Which racket technology and equipment will prove superior? Is there a hot new frame and what string was that hot new player using? Did the person designing the stencil or logo on your hot new product do quality work, for you will likely never get exposure like this again.

Whose shoes and attire will catch the most eyes? Will those putting up the big sponsor money see the big return on their big investments? If so, the tour is healthy financially, if not, who will take their place, if anyone? Three networks are vying for our attention here in the States, whose broadcast will carry the day? Who in the booth will make their mark on the viewing audience? McEnroe can't commentate for ever. Who is  making the loudest strides to be his heir apparent and take his prized place behind the mic? So many sub-competitions taking place below the main action.. And who amongst all us wordsmiths will be writing the most gripping copy?

This is competition at its purest level, even away from the brights lights and rolling cameras. There only so many lines to be called in the finals, who will get the prized chairs? Only so many VIP seats to be ushered to, only one seat on Center Cort to umpire from, and only one ball kid gets to be the one who hands the champion the winning ball. We all want it be that one, who will be the fortunate ones these weeks? This is not a process of luck like the lottery...This is where hard work meets opportunity, and there is no better time in our sport to peak than these weeks of a Grand Slam.

I stare at my screen and wonder. When will  be my moment? Have I done enough? Will this be my time when I finally type that elusive combination of letters and words that stops you the reader cold. Will this be my week? Have I done the work to deserve to be widely read? Only time will tell...

A TWITTER TRAGEDY

ANOTHER TWITTER TRAGEDY

I was scrolling through The Twitter the other night, and came across this exchange. Young American tennis player Coco Vandeweghe lost a match to even younger Kazakhstanian tennis player Yulia Putintseva in an early round match in Brussels..Three sets, last two not close at all, both players ranked about the same in their go everywhere, go nowhere careers

But Yulia and CoCo were not done with each other when the final ball was hit .Apparently there was some tension during the match leading to the players not shaking hands in the post tennis match tradition Back in the day, disputes like this would spill over in to the locker room and be settled like the immature coddled young adults we once were. Today, the kids take it to The Twitter. Unsure as to who drew first tweet, the two had a somewhat uncomfortable public exchange on The social network grid. Not sure what they call it over there in the former Russian territory, but over here, we call it trash talking

The demise of American tennis is not an illusion. So many things are lacking, this is not an essay to address said topics right here. But with Sloane Stephens recent  public meltdown a couple weeks ago over Serena no longer following her on the Twitter and CoCo having a moment here trying to deal with this apparent public slap around she just got, its becoming apparent the American kids need to grow some thicker skin and get a whole lot tougher

Vandeweghe's response here is somewhat disturbing. Her 'how dare she she call me out for sucking. you're a bad sport, and I'm a victim rap' is seriously weak sauce. Venting, crying and whining is just so not attractive or effective as a means of evening the score. Just makes me want to call you a WAAAAAAAmbulance!!!

Or better yet, it makes me want to call your uncle, former famous NBA hoopster and star KiKi Vandeweghe. One would think having grown up and around the NBA environment, CoCo would be well versed in the world of talking smack; that she would have been a little better prepared for such indignities. Apparently not. But KiKi knows people, and a phone call or two later, and none other than Sir Charles Barkley was in the house, answering KiKi's request to help school his niece in the fine art of sticking up and defending oneself via the spoken word.

We were not present at this meeting, but our sources in the field were within ear shot and were able to over hear some of what might have been  said. To the best of their recollection this might have been how it went down..

"Sir Charles!!!"

"Coco Chanel...Look at you. You're all grown up!"

"Well, physically at least. My uncle still thinks I'm a bratty little kid with no sense of perspective as to how the real world works"

"Hmmm..seems to be a pattern with you young tennis phenoms. Kiki called though, said some girl was giving you a hard time after one of your losses and you might need some help?"

"Yeah Sir Charles. She was saying all these mean things to me in our match. Like I've never heard anything like it in all my life"

"Christ, you need to get out more. What did she say to you?"

"She said like I sucked and was not a great player. That I was all serve and no rally."

"Wow. Devastating. Could be fatal. What did you do when she said this to you?"

"I got really upset Sir Charles. Totally through me off my game, I couldn't even try anymore, so I tanked and walked off the court and didn't shake her hand or nothing"

"Nice CoCo. Nice. So the message your sending is that all someone has to do is look at you funny and that's all she wrote; you're done, packing your bags and you're out of there?"

"Well yeah, that's just so not sportsmanshiplike. I don't want to be on the court with someone who acts like that. It's the worst ever!!!"

"Good God. Ok Coco, slow down. Now tell me one more time what you did when she dissed you like that. What did you say back to her?"

"Umm, well nothing Sir Charles. I just tanked, didn't shake her hand and went to The Twitter and tweeted what a bad sport she was. That's how kids my age do everything. We don't confront people face to face about anything. We just tweet it out with each other".

"How's that working out for you CoCo?"

"Not very well Sir Charles. Cause everyone is on The Twitter and they retweet right back on top of your tweet and then it goes all viral and stuff and if someone like really popular gets involved, then we might start trending and before you know it we're picking up all kinds of new followers and it's really cool and really fun to be super popular on The Twitter"

'What in the fuck are you talking about CoCo!!??" This girl talks down to your face and you run away, don't confront her, don't stick up for yourself, don't say a single word to her, and then go type something to whoever and that somehow is supposed to resolve anything???!!! Seriously girl, sit down. Sir Charles here is going to offer up another solution that I think might be more effective ok? We need to learn how to communicate better."

"But I have 6500 followers and over 2000 tweets Sir Charles"

"Twitter is not communicating!!!"

"Calm down Sir Charles..hashtag meltdown"

"I'll show you a meltdown if you keep talking like this"

"Can't be any better than all the ones they have of you on YouTube"

Ok Listen..First things first. Your side of the street needs to be clean ok? We don't start shit here, but we do finish it, ok? CoCo, here's a couple things I want to help you get out of this..First off, we are going to send a message...actually, a very loud and clear message to Ms Putintseva that she is never going to do something like this to you again....To take it step further, nobody is ever going to do this to you again..ever..And if we do this right, I doubt quite seriously Ms Putintseva will ever do this again to anyone else either

"Ok"

Listen, there's a whole bunch of well meaning Pacifists and Christians out there who are going to tell you to ignore her, or to turn the other cheek, or don't stoop to her level, that sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you kinda stuff.  You have two choices with them. You can tell them you really appreciate the advice and that they are more than welcome to use those tactics in their own battles, or you can just tell them to all go bug off, this is your fight and you're going to handle it the best way you see fit. I'm kinda partial to the latter myself...You see CoCo, here's the deal. You don't have a mean bone in your body and you have no desire to hurt anybody, but at the same time, you'll be God damned if you're going to let anybody speak poorly of you publicly or try to do harm to you or your career in any way, ok?

"Right on Sir Charles..Like how this is trending.. Hanging with #Chuckster #heisarolemodelafterall"

"Stop that...Don't do that. I got enough problems. I'm fifty, I'm fat and I got this ugly bald head, I don't need you hashtagging me on everything ok?"

"Listen, you could spend a lot of time and money having people explain to you why what she said to you  felt bad. Some would call it bullying, some would call it abusive, some might chalk it up to poor sportsmanship. In my opinion, the little snatch got over on you good and she needs to be taught a lesson right here and now so next time she thinks about doing something like this to you, she thinks twice, ok?"

"But everyone is going to think I'm a B-yatch if I get in her face and stuff"

"And that's worse than being thought of as a doormat that anyone can step on and someone who has so little self-respect that anybody can say any damn thing they want about you and they can all just sit around laughing their asses off at you having a tizzy fit about the whole thing over on the twitter because you're incapable of speaking up to defend yourself..Is that better girl???!!

"No"

"No..no its not. So we're going to come out swinging here ok? She got over on you good here and we need to get her back. This is your turf CoCo, this is where you are going to make your living. You are going to be seeing this little twat 25 weeks a year for the next ten years. You have to live with yourself and again, you don't want to hurt anybody but God damn, ain't nobody gonna hurt you..anytime, anywhere, anyhow...and you may just want to apologize in advance to those who are going to witness you sticking up for yourself here, because you're not used to having your boundaries so badly violated  by someone so unprovoked, and you're real sorry if you sticking up for yourself comes off a little aggressive and threatening and stuff, but the fact is you didn't start this and anything short of a full public apology from her means this little spat isn't over, and you've never gone through something like this before and you're not going to go through this again and there are absolutely no style points when it comes to writing a wrong and what we really want here is for you to take your power back from this little bitch to the point that next time you walk in a room that she is in, she gets extremely uncomfortable that you just walked in and when you do see her you put one finger up, not your middle finger, but your index finger, which means she has exactly one minute to pick up her shit and get the fuck out of your site or its about to get a lot more uncomfortable in that room, we straight?

"But I don't want to be like a Mean Girl or a Bad Girl. I want people to like me"

"No Coco. I don't care about other people liking you. I care about you liking you. I care about you having one thing and one thing only and that thing is self-respect. Other people are gonna come and go and do their things to you but only if you let them. You let this girl get over on you. That's not Ok with me. I don't let me friends get mistreated Coco. This girl said some harsh stuff to you. You need to put her in her place to make sure this don't happen again. It's called taking your power back. Somehow this young woman thinks she can do and say anything she wants to you and there are no consequences for doing so"

"What am I supposed to do Sir Charles? Throw her out a window like you used to do?"

"No. My methods were a little over the top. But one thing we are not doing is going on the Twitter and talking about what we're going to do. I want you to call her at the next tournament and arrange a meeting with you two. She can bring her coach and parents if she wants, even a WTA official, whatever she's comfortable with. But make it very clear you need to straighten a few things out with her now before this escalates in to something that gets very uncomfortable for her, for you make it clear you ain't going away until you get a moment with her to clean this up so sooner is better. If that doesn't work, next time you see her you need to walk right up to her face and demand an apology from her. Not on Twitter. But Face to face. Young Woman to Young woman. Take the high road. Explain to her you don't have a problem with her but you're going to have one with her if she doesn't clean her act up with you  and apologize"

"What if she doesn't apologize Sir Charles?"

"Well well well...This is where it doesn't hurt to have a guy like me in your life. If you take the high road and ask for an apology and she declines, you let Sir Charles know. I've been known to be able to turn some pretty colorful phrases in my time. As a matter of fact, I take great pleasure in the process and I'm getting a little soft sitting in the studio booth all these years.
The girl's from Kazhakstan??? Is that not Borat country??? Oh boy, all I have to say is she better apologize, for if this comes down to a war of words, there won't be much of her left by the time I get through with her. But high road first ok? No twitter, confront her face to face, and re-assert your self-respect and personal dignity, and my best guess is it will all work out for the best that way without any further escalations ok?"

"Thanks Sir Charles. You're the best!!!"

What Really Might Have Gone Down Between Jimmy and Chrissie 40 Years Ago

Some months back, my crack team of investigative journalists caught wind that Jimmy Connors had written an autobiography and was pushing it on the agents at harper/Collins. Armed with a secret camera and microphone, my people descended upon their corporate offices yet were not able to see or hear shit, but we did see Mr Connors walk in to the office of his agent and we surmised the conversation went a little something like this.

Jimmy baby!!! I heard you wrote a book and you want us to promote it for you. You realize you're an incredibly uninteresting human being,right? All you tennis fucks are. There just can't be a less interesting group of professional athletes out there. Tell me what makes you interesting JC? Tell me about you and your book and why we here at Harper/Collins should promote your book.

Well, I grew up in the Midwest and used to go to the park a lot with my mom and hit on the wall and...

Are you fucking kidding me??!! This is what you're starting off with? I would pay good money to not have to read this book

"Hold on, hold on, it gets better...I went on to win all these tourneys with my T-2000 and...

"Wake me the fuck up when your done, would you? Are we trying to put Ambien out of business here?

I don't know what you want!

Tell me something I don't know baby. You've been  center stage for 40 years...We know everything about you. What do I not know about you that you can put in this book and make me want to buy it?

Jesus...I married a playmate and had this affair that almost ruined my...

You're the man buddy. That is so incredibly not interesting. I don't even know where to start. We know all this Jimmy!! You dog. We would all love to know a lot more about that part of your life with the playmate but she's your wife. tell me something risque, salacious, downright wrong even, a felony even, just make sure the statutes are up ok?

Well, I did knock up little Chrissie Evert way back in the day when we were an item

You did what??!!  Really??? Awesome......where's the tape...do you have the tape?

"The tape?

" The sex tape jimmy. Its 2013 baby, get with it, would you?..Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Tommy and Pamela lee.., its how you get attention when you have no talent  kid. You have to have a sex tape, some grainy bad 70s home movie with sick mounds of 70s pubic hair..don't sweat that stuff Jimmy, we can photoshop that stuff out, maybe give Chrissie a landing strip.."

Shit, I don't even know if they  had video cameras back then...either way it would have been a pretty short movie

Don't go there buddy..Seriously, I was just fantasy building and it was getting pretty good. You and the ice maiden. You guys out on the court hitting hours of soul crushing cross courts and you guys give each other that look like "hey, let's go crush something else" and it's linesman ready, players ready, PLAY!!!

"Seriously, the whole thing was a mess and she won't let it go"

Ok,you're 60 years old, its 40 years later and you're telling me about it and SHE won't let it go. Gotcha.

Seriously, she won't.  we were young and inexperienced and my mom just hated her for seducing and luring me from her...You should have heard their fights.

You're not really going there, are you. I mean, this is starting to sound like Jerry Springer shit. Ok, I'm taking the bait Jimmy...What would they fight about?

Well, me of course..I don't know. My mom would walk by Chris lying out at the pool with me and say stuff like "Lying on your back again Chrissie? You seem to do your best work from there"

"So your Mom was basically calling Chrissie a whore. Ok, that's kind of interesting. How did she get pregnant though?

"My Mom was always around so we always had to hurry and stuff, anyway, so Chrissie is worrying about getting prego and everything. I didn't really care though. I was at the top of my game back then. Number one in the world, women throwing themselves at me. I figured the more I spread my seed and the more offspring I cold create, the better place the world would be, right?

"Jesus"

"So Chris and I are having to sneak around Mom all the time and we start taking some chances so she wants me to start wearing a sock and stuff but it was really hard for me to keep my stick juiced with one on and she would just go all Sahara desert on me watching my spirit sag"

"Have you been reading Penthouse Forum again?"

"Well, yeah, of course. Patty has a life time subscription from doing her spreads for them, some quality writing in there, don't ya think?"

Wow..Never mind. Keep going. I can't believe you're telling me all this.


Well I'm pissed, check this shit out...so I say Chrssie, let me slip it in without a sock and get the show going and then put a sock on it and finish the job that way...she says Ok...so I'm working her, and me, and her, and me, and I finally get it all in there, and I ain't no 4 and a half light here for the record

"Super Jimmy...This is so TMI Hall of fame shit"

So with all the working it and working her, I was getting a little too fired up and once I got in, it was like a couple little pump and thrusts and Boom! I pumped her  full of JIMBO!!!!  And that was it.

His agent put his head down in his hands, shaking it to and fro. "No, No, That's not how it went...That's not the story Jimmy"

"Yeah it is. That's what happened"

"No...it's not. Jesus, you tennis fucks are so unlikeable when people get to know you"

"What do you mean?"

"If I have to explain it to you, it's too late. Let's just say they love you just the way you aren't"

"Yeah, whatever. Joel Drucker loves me and tells everybody I'm the man"

"What the fuck is his story?"

"He creeps me out. One day he thinks I'm saving his life, now he's been trying to write my biography for 30 years now"

"How did you get rid of him?"

"Restraining Order. And my lawyers had a chat with him too"

Good. Ok, Listen, I like the knocking Chrissie up thing, but can we make it more of a heroic story?"

"Heroic?"

"Yeah, I mean erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation is great for Viagra commercials. We have to style out this story a bit, your version ain't gonna cut it. How about something like this. Mid 1970s, Virginia Slims at Madison Square Garden, the whole women's lib ERA thing is cranking full throttle, Chrissie wins the event, there is this smoking after tourney party that spills over to Studio 54 and everyone is just getting their party on and you all end up in one of those back murky rooms, you, Jagger, movie stars, Chrissie, the starting front row of the New York Knicks, and before you know it, everyone is naked and having their equal rights with everybody and it's a night to remember, except nobody can remember shit the next day, and a couple weeks pass and Chrissie is not feeling the best and she goes to the doctor and gets the news yet their is some confusion about who's child it may be, so you go down and take the paternity test and lets just say you're in some serious sperm competition here with rock stars and movie stars and other thoroughbred professional athletes there that night at the Studio 54, but you being the champion you are, it was YOUR power-seed that broke out of the pack and reached pay dirt, further immortalizing your heroic...

"What the fuck is wrong with you??!!"

"I'm trying to help you, you asshole!!! This story will sell books but it makes you come across like the biggest prick ever!"

Me??!! Me??!! what about her? She dumped me because of this event"

'Because you got her pregnant???"

No, that's not why. It's because I had no load control. My mom was always around and it was always awkward, always rushing and stressing about her walking in. I started having performance anxiety after this, and Chris did not put up with that kind of stuff, even back then, so she dumped me and never let me forget how bad I was"

"What do you mean never let you forget?"

Every time I see her last 40 years, she's always making a comment. Mid career her favorite line was  the only place you can outlast another man was in a baseline rally. Shit like that. The Greg Norman thing put me over the edge"

"Greg Norman thing???"

"Yeah, texting me at all hours telling me about how strong his long iron play was... and how in all there activity he has never needed a mulligan... like me. The Greg Norman stuff was the last straw for me, all I want to do is get the bitch back"

Wow. So you figure telling everyone she had an abortion 40 years might even the score a bit?

"And sell some books. I can't believe she didn't even ask me if it was Ok. The week she told me about it I was so upset I lost one of my two matches that year. can you believe she would tell me right in the middle of hard court season?"

"I assume you put that in there too???"

"Hell yes I did"

"Do you think you should talk to her first before putting this in writing forever in your book?"

"Did she ask me if it was Ok to get rid of little Jimbo to be back then? Did she??? No she didn't!!! So why should I ask her if it's ok now???"

"Wow. Ok, I hate you. I hate my life. But we'll go with the abortion story and see how it goes ok?"

"I'm glad you agree she had this coming to her. Thanks bud. I can't wait to go out on the talk shows and tell everyone about it"

"Wow"

SLOANE, SERENA, AND THE TWITTER

What really might have happened between Sloane, Serena, and The Twitter...

In a stunning change of stance, Sloane Stephens has within 48 hours resumed being besties with Serena Williams. What could possibly have facilitated this sudden reversal?

Well, we sent out our crack team of investigative journalists to the offices of Lagardere Unlimited, Ms. Stephens management company to see what we could unearth. Using a bug and hidden camera, we weren't able to record shit, but this is what we heard going down, kinda, so work with us

"Sloane baby!!! Come in, have a seat, we need to talk"

"Ok. What do you want to talk about?"

"Well, I understand you put out one of those twitters the other day about Serena, is that true?"

"Yeah, a tweet you mean?"

"Yeah, whatever. What did you say again about her?"

"I called her a phony bitch pretty much"

"Hmmm...and why did you do this?"

"Because she's being a snatch to me and I'm sick of the phony bitch"

"Ok. Listen Sloane, we all know Serena can be something of a snatch some times, but nobody else needs to know that, ya hear me?"

"No!! I'm sick of everyone thinking she's some kind of mentor to me when its so totally not that way. I want everyone to know what she's all about and what I think of her and how I feel about the way she's treating me so I tweeted about it. What's wrong with that?"

Long sigh..."Girl girl girl...slow it down...how long you been with the corporation now?"

"Corporation??!! I'm on the Women's pro tennis tour!!!"

"Well, yeah, you kinda are, but not really. You work for me sweetheart  All those contracts you have with all those companies. We got you those. So you work for me. I remember now, you've been with me a couple years now, right?"

"Yeah, why does that matter?"

"Well, it matters cause it takes a long time to create an image for you so that  people  forget who you really are. You see Sloane, we don't want people knowing what are your politics, your religion, what you're doing, who you're doing, which team it is you're doing, none of that stuff. We don't want people thinking about you and wondering what you think or what you feel or what your opinion about this person or that person is. Our job here is to get you to a place where when people look at you they feel absolutely nothing about you so there entire focus will be on all the shit you're promoting so we can all make Mo Money!!! See, when they're thinking about whether you and Serena are getting along or not, they're not thinking about what you are wearing or what racket you are using, and when that happens we don't make Mo Money!!! My job is to get you to a place that when people see you they get transfixed on everything you are using and they turn in to zombies, marching in step down to Dick's Sporting Goods chanting give me all the Head Prestiges you have in stock, the exact one that Sloane Stephens uses. We want people so entranced by you their car does a knightrider thing every time they drive by a product you promote and they just have to pull over and get some Under Armour clothes and they must be able to pay with their American Express, you get it?"

"That's a little weird but I kinda get it. Are you saying when I sign with you I lose my freedom of speech?"

"Of course not baby. Of course you have your freedom of speech as long as you stick to the script"

"The script???"

"Yeah, the script. That we are all happy and healthy professional athletes that are so grateful for all we've been given and we love tennis and puppies and rainbows and our hearts skip a beat when we see a young kid playing tennis and we can't snap out our camera quick enough to have our picture taken with every kid we see and that we all just get along so really well and tennis is just one big red carpet event and we just love what we do and everyone involved, got it?"

"Remember Venus when she came on the scene. All beads and bravado with just a little ghetto in there. The only thing she was going to be able to sell with that schtick was her ass and a twenty rock. Now look at her. You see her do an interview lately? It's a work of managerial art. They have completely recreated her to the point her polarizing old self doesn't exist anymore. Dial tones are more exciting than her. She speaks and says the exact same nothing every time. It's genius. Just pull her string, she says the same answers to any question you ask, she has it down to the exact number of words and seconds...Shoot, I get emotional thinking how perfect a job they have done getting rid of her real self. Nobody has even the first whiff of an opinion about her on anything, so they just march on out in lockstep and buy whatever shit she is selling and we all make Mo Money!!! That's where we need you to get to Sloane and this twittering thing you keep doing about what you're thinking and how you're feeling, it has to stop. It's distracting from what we want people to do when they see you which is buy more shit and make us Mo Money!!!

"What do you want me to do? I can't take my tweet back. It's like permanent and stuff."

"We know. We want you to put out another tweet that you and Serena are all good and you have nothing but respect for her and that she truly is the greatest of all time and that you  have each others backs. We've already spoken to her people and she will do the same and we've arranged the photo opp for you two in Madrid so you two can play it all up. My secretary is on the twitter site now and you will do this when you walk out of here"

"Seriously??!! You want me to lie???"

"Sloane, It's only a lie if somebody gets hurt. Your statement the other day is hurting my business. You see kid, it's not important that anyone like you in this business. What's important is that nobody dislikes you, and what you did the other day made the Serena lovers dislike you and poured fuel on the fire of the Serena haters and that's not good for business. All that drama and emotion results in nothing getting purchased. You have to stay on the path girl. This is no time to create controversy or assert your independence. We have a very loyal tennis following, we are not trying to grow the sport really. Too risky. So we can't be pissing off our base, you understand? We have a big investment in you and are working really hard to create a new you that will sell stuff the rest of your adult life even after you're done with tennis. Don't screw all that up by going rogue on that twitterverse place ok? See my secretary on the way out and clean this up, and win a few matches would ya? You have a couple contracts wrapping up this year, I would like to be able to negotiate  from a place of strength for us. Ok, be well Sloane Stephens

Barry Buss is the author of "First In A Field Of Two" A Junior Tennis memoir with the foreword by Dr. Allen Fox, available at Amazon.com





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