DEAR ME

 

Was on the ESPN website the other night and saw this new section of essays Titled 'Dear Me', where top stars write letters of advice to themselves as young athletes. Tennis player Andy Murray was featured as well as out of the closet MLS soccer player Robbie Rodgers. The few I read were quite unremarkable, obviously written by the athletes themselves. Wouldn't have been the worst time to put their publicists to work and pen some poignant and inspiring words. Either way, I love the concept and I hope they keep it alive. Then I got to thinking. What if I could write a letter today to myself as a coming of age athlete, what advice would I give a young me?

Dear 15 year old Bobby Blair....

How ya feeling there big guy? Little confused?  Little scared? Little concerned about feeling so different? Yeah. I wish I could tell you some 30 years later conditions were different for up and coming athletes like yourself.  I mean, conditions are a little better in the sports world.  We're actually on quite a roll these days in society, rolling back a whole bunch of backwardness by the day.  But as for what advice I would have for you?

You know how you don't quite feel all the feelings all the guys keep talking about regarding the girls? Yeah, you're gonna wanna start getting used to that because that ain't changing anytime soon. And you know how you like to hang out with your guy friends when they're carrying on about the girls, not because you want to learn what they are sharing, but because you just feel this different kind of connection to them than the girls? Yeah, you're going to want to start getting used to those feelings too, cause that's the way it's going to stay buddy. The Good Lord didn't do you any favors orienting you so, but let me be perfectly clear. You are not a victim and if you refuse to give up on yourself,  you can live a life of courage and dignity like few others, but I'm not going to sugarcoat this to you. You could have been dealt an easier hand.

As for your tennis, first thing I would say is don't quit Little League, this tennis shit is really tough. Re your tennis career, I suggest losing the playing super consistent, never miss a ball thing. Not taking risks, playing it safe, playing not to lose, will only take you so far. And by the time you realize the limitations of that style, it will be too late to do anything about it. You will have spent countless hours on the court in that particular mindset that even if you developed the skill set to play a high risk high reward game, I'm not sure you'll have the time to develop the trust in it to implement it. So playing it safe for fear of losing will eventually catch up to you on the tennis court.

As well as off the tennis court. If I could tell you that you will lose everything in tennis and business, not from being found out, but from your own fear of being found out, would that matter to you? And that all the things you thought you had acquired and achieved as a young man were merely an illusion. The closeness of the friendships, how close could they ever really be hiding your true self so? Your going to need to take some risks with your off court life, and I think you know where I am going with this.

WC Fields once said he would never be a part of a club that would have him as a member. Well I would never want you to call yourself a member of a profession that would refuse to embrace you as you truly are. Whatever gains you think you are protecting by keeping your orientation in the closet can not compare to the freedom and dignity you will feel in living an honest and authentic existence. I know, I know. you think I'm fucking crazy for suggesting you come out about your sexuality, but you're going to do it eventually and there never is a right time and to every gay man I have spoken to and met in my life, they all wish  they would have come out earlier and that there were more mentors out in society that they could look to for guidance and support. And if some reject you and your coming out for all the wrong reasons out of their  fearing you, that's infinitely better than you rejecting you and remaining hidden in the closet for the opposing but equally wrong reasons of you fearing them

For when times seem toughest,  you will just have to trust in God's love and the goodness in your fellow man, for we are truly all from the same stock and they are composed of the same loving and compassionate heart you are and that they will understand why you hid your true self so and that there will never be a good time to come out and there will always be a great deal of fear around the decision and that you don't need to cry yourself to sleep all those years rehearsing what you would say to all the loved ones in your life if you could just muster the courage to do so and that the shortest distance between two points is often unbearable and that I know all this but you must trust in the goodness of our fellow man and that he will love you unconditionally just as you do he and God do you.

Because being Gay is just a small part of who you are, and it doesn't make you different from straight people, it makes you different like straight people. And try not my young friend to fall in to the trap of the its Us against Them mentality, for not all of Them are against you, and yet not all of Us are for you, and many will not have your best interests in mind either and that just because you share a sexual orientation with someone does not mean you share the same values with that person and that an asshole is an asshole no matter which way they swing and to remain wary at all times.

And  people will want to define you and label you, and that shit is real my friend, and try as you might, you will smell the fear and hear the smears and feel the hard cold shoulder of rejection far more than any young person should ever have to. And it won't seem right, and it won't seem fair, but get over it, for there are no sure things in life and life ain't fair for a whole lot of people a lot less fortunate than you and if you want people to respect you, you have to respect yourself first and you're going do things in your young life for all the wrong reasons, just like every straight person you will ever meet, but doing those bad things does not make you a bad person any more than it does anybody else, for we are all perfectly flawed in our condition human.

Finally, start preparing for life after you've hit your last competitive ball,  for there will still be quite the haul to go, and start looking around early and often for ways you can make a difference, for winning fame and fortune on the tennis court is great and all, but nothing compares to improving the quality of another persons life, day after day after day. And there will be those who confront you and oppose you no matter what you do, and how sadly steeped in ignorance they are. And you'll have infinite choices to apply your  finite energy reserves. Whilst thou employ your best self? I say follow your heart my young friend, oppose hate with love and pray instead of  retaliate. Focus on opening hearts instead of minds, for that's where the love's at.  And try to make a difference as you grow up in to the person you will yearn to have in your soon to be tumultuous youth and become that loving mentor guide to the next generation of young Bobby Blairs who will need  role models to look to hopefully just like you.

Bobby Blair